Upon Further Reflection

I was restless and couldn't sleep this morning after J. and B. left. So, like a little kid, I went to go sleep in their bed. Yes, I'm cheesy like that. But I was able to sleep a couple more hours, so it worked.

Now, I'm on the phone with tickle fetish guy. I've been fake laughing for right at an hour. My stomach and face are aching. I think I might die. Is it possible to die from fake giggling too long? I'm so gonna be late for dinner with my friend. I haven't even showered yet. Stupid bastard.

OMFG. He extended again. Can I please go shoot myself now?

Ok, it's done. Seventy freaking minutes total. I guess I shouldn't complain because it's the only call I've had today, but I'm exhausted.

And since it's 4:47, and I'm supposed to meet her at 5:00, I'm going to have to save this and finish when I get back. *Sigh*

* * * *

And, ok, I'm back. Finally. One more screaming young'un, and I might've hurt someone.

Anyway, while I was trying to get back to sleep this morning, I was thinking about what J. said yesterday to me. I suck at recalling exact wording, but it was something like "I think you feel the same way about the c-word that I feel about the l-word."

She's right.

When I was out with my friend earlier, we went to Tarzhay after we ate. We kind of wandered around looking at things, killing time more than anything. Her husband was looking for a pair of sleep pants, so we were kind of just standing there idly in the men's clothes. I saw her eyes light on something, and I raised an eyebrow and asked what she'd found. She reached over and presented me with a pair of men's boxer shorts. "Here," she said, "you need these!" I was confused for a second before I read the sentence printed on them.

"I have commitment issues."

Goddammit. These people know me entirely too well. And I haven't seen this particular friend in months, but she knows me well enough to know I haven't changed in that amount of time. *Sigh*

Seriously. Love me, I don't care. Love is, 99.999999% of the time, a fleeting thing. People can love me, and I console myself by thinking, "Oh, well, they'll get over it eventually." But try to make me think farther ahead than plans for next weekend? Nope. I don't do that. Ever. I'm 25 years old and have turned down not one but two engagement rings already. Yes. Seriously.

At the risk of sounding like an asshole--but this is my blog, and I'll sound like an asshole if I want to--, I think that was part of the attraction to B. for a long time. I could have some of the things I needed some of the time, but because he had J., I could keep a safe distance from it the rest of the time.

But it's here now and intense and the problem is, it's normally something I would run from. This time, I don't want to run, but the old instinct is still there.

Blech. I swear, I don't normally have all this inner drama. I know that's what y'all are thinking, though. Once I work through all my initial issues, I'll probably never have any more for the rest of my life.

In my blog the other day, I said I wouldn't have time to devote to other relationships if I had what I wanted with B. and J. Upon further reflection, I realize that's not exactly true. I can make time for things that I want to be priorities. I always have. The real thing is, I don't really want anyone else but them (aside from someone to tie up and torment occasionally, but that doesn't count, in my opinion). And that is a WEIRD feeling for me.

Is that a bad thing? Is it fair of me to want these things from them? Am I just a dork for worrying about it at all?