Thursday, March 12, 2009

Thoughts And Concerns

Why is it that every time I come to see certain people, it gets better each time? *Grins* Do they realize they're eventually going to build themselves up so much that they won't be able to surpass themselves anymore? ;)

I am incredibly happy. I say that over and over, but I like saying it. :D

But you know me. I think. Probably too much.

J. said something the other day about an official collaring. While the attention whore side of me liked the idea, my inner Ms. Commitment Issues started screaming. I wasn't really sure WHY, either. I mean, it's not that I'm not happy. I am. (Just in case no one noticed.)

So, of course, I had to think about it. And this is what I came up with.

I have never exactly been able to do the monogamy thing. I've never really even been able to do the two or three partners thing. I'm constantly getting bored, moving on to someone else, and just generally being unsatisfied.

And, to devote the kind of time I'd like to devote to Master and Mistress means I'm not going to have the time for doing the "I'm-bored-lemme-go-find-someone-else-this-sucks-I'm-bored-again" thing. Which means I have to break the cycle.

I know that playing with other people is not off the table at all. That's not what I'm worried about. I know I can do that basically whenever I want. I think it's more a matter of being afraid that the lack of multiple relationships (as opposed to people to play with) is not going to satisfy all my needs. It's not that B. and J. aren't making me happy. It's that I'm really, really complicated.

I know they're not stopping me from anything. It's more that in order for me to do what I want to do for them that I won't have the time to pursue the other options that I'm prone to pursuing. Yay for conflicting desires.

I don't think I'm making any sense again.

It's like...I'm a slave who needs a Master and a Mistress. A pet who needs owners. A little girl who needs...oh, God, I don't have anything good to go with this one. A chick who needs the people she plays with to be good friends and confidantes. And, believe it or not, a woman who sometimes needs love and the occasional romantic gesture. (Just because it hardly ever happens doesn't mean it NEVER happens.)

I hate the idea of expecting them to fulfill all those needs. It's much easier to compartmentalize.


But I want them to do it. On the other hand, I'm afraid, too. Silly slave girl. *Rolls eyes*

*Whines* Can we fix this stupid problem in my head now please? Because that's all it is. Something stupid I've come up with in my head because I brood too much.

I still want the collar, though. Partly because my other one stains my neck. Partly because I want one I can wear all the time, in public and when I'm not with them. But mostly because I love the way it feels when they make me feel like they really, really want me. :)

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