Monday, March 23, 2009

Random Ramblings

I have good news. My "accountant" did my taxes for me today because my last 1099 FINALLY showed up. So I paid absolutely nothing in income taxes this year, not state, not federal, not Social Security, nothing. But through some sheer stroke of dumb luck and a good bit of creative accounting, I'm getting back a $43 refund, LOL!

I'm also filing a return I didn't file a couple of years ago because it got lost in one of the hundred times I moved, so I'm going to get a wee bit more than that back. Not enough to amount to anything, really, but at least I don't have to worry about how I'm going to come up with the money to PAY taxes, which I was worried sick about. Give me about three or four $500+ weeks, and I shouldn't have any worries. I might even be able to take classes this summer after all! (Maybe.)

I think I'm going to fire up my old NF accounts again. Might as well. They're all approved, and all my bank information on them is approved, so I can start getting daily deposits for whatever I make. I make enough money with my company to pay my bills, but sometimes it gets hard to buy food or gas or just a little something I actually want, for once. So maybe I can pay bills from my company and get extras from NF. Or something. *Crosses fingers*

That's the good news. The bad news is, I'm probably going to have to hide a body soon.

My friend K. is married to quite possibly the biggest jackass on the planet. (My friends have this habit of marrying idiots. I've never quite understood it. They could all do MUCH better.) He pissed me off the other night when I was over at their house with a couple of his comments about B. Apparently, Mr. Jealous thinks B. is trying to steal K. away from him because he talks to her on Yahoo sometimes....I don't know. It's a bunch of childish drama shit that I was doing my best not to be pulled into. I bit my tongue and kept my thoughts to myself.

Until today. Apparently, last night, Mr. Jealous picked this huge fight with K. about MY Master. Whom, by the way, neither of them have ever fucking met before, just for the record. How he doesn't want K. talking to B. anymore and how it's "inappropriate," blah, blah, blah. He said some ugly things about both B. and me and reduced K. to a crying mess. Then, bless her heart, K. didn't even have anyone to talk to about it because none of her friends understood, and she didn't want to call me because she didn't want to upset me.

Fuck that. Of course, I'm going to be upset. Not for the reasons that she thought I'd be upset, but because, while I'll let people go really, really far in fucking with me, I'm a mite touchy about my friends. He's being an irrational asshole and hurt K. over something that really isn't important, honestly. I mean, damn, if B. were trying to do some shit, don't you think I'd be concerned, too? The man has his hands full with J. and me!

I've half a mind to go over there and just smile sweetly in his face and ask in my most polite voice if he has anything he'd like to discuss with me. He wouldn't have the balls to say anything, of course. I hate bastards like that. Either man up or shut the fuck up about it.

I'm ranting now, and I know it. But it's bullshit drama that's totally unnecessary. I don't do drama. I told K. to feel free to come over anytime she needed to to get away from that shit and that if he followed her, he could confront the business end of my shotgun. That was all I knew to do. But it's still all bullshit, and it upsets me that she's upset, and I kind of feel like I'm responsible in a way.

Yay for carrying responsibility for everything on my shoulders.

Ugh. Ok. Back to work.

* * * *

On a more upbeat friend R.'s slave (one of them; he has two) posted this on a message board we all frequent.

how is one a "slave"?

are you born a slave? do you become a slave? are you made into a slave?

did somebody train you, teach you, mold you? or was it always there inside of you?

is there an on/off switch? you werent, until suddenly something clicked and you were? once the switch flips, is it stuck in on, or can it slide back?

can you be a slave without a master?

can you decide you are a slave no longer, or is that as useless as "deciding" not to be short anymore?

is it who you are no matter what, or who you are in the situation you are in?

how is one a "slave"?

I thought about it for awhile, and then I replied back with this. I don't know why, but I thought B. and J. might like to read it.

I don't think I can ever know the real answers to those questions for myself. I know what I have to believe in order to preserve my own sanity sometimes. I don't expect anyone else to believe as I do.

I'm not prone to fits of romanticism. Anyone who knows me knows that. But I do not believe my being a slave was a coincidence or some happy accident of brain chemistry. I believe it was my destiny, chosen for me before my birth, whether by me, God in one or more of His various forms, or some combination thereof. (We won't go into my weird spiritual beliefs here.)

I was born to be a slave. My destiny is to serve, in some capacity or other. But not to serve everyone or most or even a handful of people. I think I'm here for a specific purpose. Master and Mistress, of course, are the specific purpose, and they are the ones who are the operators of the tool that is me.

I never had any idea about what I was until I met Master. None. I knew I was kinky, knew I had serious masochistic leanings, but one can have those things without having a submissive bone in one's body. I believed I was too intelligent, too independent, too capable, and had too much to do with my life to ever surrender myself like that.

I have never been more wrong about anything in my entire life.

And, then, when I met Mistress, it all fell into place. Even when I had Master, there was still a hole inside me. It took both of them to fill it. Maybe I am too intelligent, too independent, too capable, and have too much to do with my life to surrender myself to one person. So the Universe gave me to both of them and wished them the best of luck in dealing with me.

The people who say that submission is a process...well, I think they're wrong. It's a process in that it's an ongoing internal struggle, but I think when one who is meant to be a slave finds his/her Owner(s), there is no escaping that destiny. I think that no matter what happens, no matter how hard you try to run from it, you'll always be pulled back to it by some strange sort of gravity that's stronger than you are.

This is more than me. This is more than Master. This is more than Mistress. This is something that was decided a long time ago. They are the ones who use me for whatever good they're going to use me for. We just have to shut up and comply with destiny at this point.

I'm not a slave. I'm their slave. I always have been. The problem was, I haven't always known it. Now I know. And in spite of how hard it might be for me at times, I'll never escape this destiny. Nor will I ever truly want to.

Also, happy 5,000th post to me.

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