Wednesday, March 11, 2009


J. had a special request for the blog today. So since I'm letting the teacake dough chill in the fridge before I roll it out and cut it out with my AWESOME NEW EASTER COOKIE CUTTERS, I thought I'd give this topic a whirl. (And, yes, I might be a *little* too excited about the cookie cutters.)


Sexual or otherwise, I am always attracted to people with strong personalities. Like attracts like, in that case. I kind of put on a dull, bland face to people most of the time, so they'll leave me the fuck alone, but I'm actually really interesting and deep when someone actually bothers to take the time to get to know me. The people I find most interesting are the ones who can actually TALK about things. And the ones who are thinkers.

As far as sexual attraction goes, it's charisma, all the way. In my life, I have been crazy attracted to just three men. Like, "I will chase you to the ends of the Earth because the chemistry between us makes me want to do insane things" attracted. Only three.

I guess you could say they all superficially resembled one another. Tall, dark hair, large build, light eyes, strong facial features, long legs, and this air of...I don't want to say "danger" because that's kind of cliched, but I don't have a good word for it. They're all relatively mellow under normal circumstances, but there's this edge underneath that says, "You do not want to fuck with me." I guess I get intrigued by that. Then, of course, they're all brilliant with similar senses of humor.

Interestingly enough, my father has all these characteristics, too. Don't get me wrong. I don't have an Electra complex, no latent sexual Daddy feelings. Not my thing, I'm afraid. But I will say that I was very lucky to have a wonderful father, which is something lots of girls, particularly submissive ones, can't really say. I guess I've spent my whole life looking for someone as awesome as my Daddy. They're few and far between.

Of these three men to whom I was wildly attracted from the very start, I managed to fall in love with two of them. (The third one and I sort of had issues.)

As far as women go, it's much different. I don't have a particular "look" I go for. Well, I don't consciously do it with men, either, but it tends to shake out that way. But I have male brain in a lot of ways and can relate to men a lot better than I can relate to women. I've almost always had more male friends than female ones.

I do not trust women. Mommy issues? Probably, but I don't think it's that relevant.

Most of the women I'm attracted to beyond "oh, she's hot, I'd do her" are also scarily brilliant, just like the men I'm attracted to. They also usually have boy brain like I do. Not always, but usually. I can relate to them better. (And there is not a single one of my female friends I wouldn't tie up and do evil, evil things to, given half a chance.) But they also tend to be more feminine than I am. In that way, I'm attracted to my opposite. I'm the most low-maintenance, failure-as-a-woman chick ever.

I've always been more comfortable riding horses or playing softball or going mud-riding or drag racing than I have been being dressed up and paraded around and doing other "girly" things. See? I don't even know what girly-girls DO, so I can't use it as an example.

And I have gone way, way off-track from where I meant to go. I wish I could blame the late hour or the fact that I'm tired and hungry, but, honestly, even under the best of circumstances, my mind wanders.

To attempt to steer this train back on its tracks, I also have to say that attraction that goes beyond the initial flash of "he/she's hot" has a weird spiritual component.

Beyond sex, the things that draw me to people and make me want to continue to be around them is very esoteric. People exhibit an...air, I guess, about them. I hesitate to say "aura" because that makes me sound all creepy and New-Agey, which I so am not. The people I most want to spend time around are the ones with a calm air. I have friends whom I love dearly, but just can't spend more than a few hours at a time with them because their air is so very chaotic that it exhausts me to be in the same room with them. (Ask me about Susan one day.)

Empathy. I have it. In spades. And it drives me to distraction.

There are certain people in the world, even if we haven't talked or been near each other lately, I can still tell when they're happy or unhappy. The connection is so deep that I can feel the same things they feel even if I don't know WHY. But these same people are the ones I long to be close to because just being near them puts me at peace. If I can sit quietly in a room with someone and not feel like I have to constantly entertain him/her like a good little Southern country hostess, then that person is the kind of person who soothes my soul.

Even when I'm happy, I'm a brooding, introverted kind of girl. My inner turmoil rarely stops altogether, and when it does, I stand up and take notice. That's not to say I'm all depressed and like to wallow in self-pity because I'm not and I don't. I think I'm a pretty happy person, generally. But the thinker inside hardly ever stops.

Oh, geez. I'm doing it again. Getting off-track, that is. Might as well consider this train of thought officially derailed.

Anyway, the kind of magnetism I feel toward very, very few people (and J. and B. are certainly included in the short list) is quite ethereal. Every now and then, I'll meet someone and feel as if I've known that person my entire life. I have all kinds of crackpot theories about why this is, but I'll not bore everyone with my odd beliefs. But I have a hard time believing that there's not a reason I meet these rare people who quiet the rage inside my soul. And that I've probably met them many, many times before.

Ugh. I just showed how weird I am. And I'm suddenly exhausted and probably didn't give J. what she wanted at all here. But I'm really, really tired for some reason, so I think I'll wait and cut the cookies out tomorrow before I go to Master and Mistress's house.

I can't wait for that! :) The cookies AND the visit, LOL!

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