Thursday, March 5, 2009

Once More, With Feeling

Ugh. I had this long post written out and almost finished it, and my 'Net crashed while I was trying to preview and post it, and somehow it disappeared into the black hole of cyberspace with no trace of a saved draft. I have no clue how that happened.

Now, I'm really sleepy and less than motivated (and dreading going to my parents' this weekend), so I make no promises about the coherence of this post.

I always think a lot when I drive. Sometimes, being alone with my thoughts is nice, and sometimes, it isn't, which is why I like to drive sometimes, and other times I don't. I thought a lot today, and it wasn't really unpleasant. Just a little confusing.

I am the uber-INFP. I think way too much.

I have cognitive dissonance sometimes. (I am also the uber-psych nerd. I've already referenced two social psych things in the last few sentences.) I know that what I have with Master and Mistress makes me very happy. Master himself said today that he'd never seen me this happy.

That would be because I've never been this happy before.

But, yeah...cognitive dissonance. I know this is what I want and what I need, but sometimes I struggle with my thoughts, anyway. I wonder sometimes what made me this way. If I hadn't grown up a quiet, overly sensitive child whose IQ was at least 50 points higher than everyone else in her entire family's, thus never having anyone to relate to for years amongst the boisterous rednecks that come from where I do, would I have turned out differently? Or am I one of those people who was just born to be submissive and would've been this way no matter what the forces around me did?

To some people, it doesn't matter. Because of the way my mind works, it matters to me.

Let's be honest here. In a lot of ways, the submissive, pleasing way of relating to people is a fairly simplistic and child-like method. Did the "handling relationships" part of my brain never quite progress past the abilities of my inner seven-year-old, or what? I mean, "pet me, tell me what to do, torture me, and pet me some more, and I'll be devoted to you and love you forever" isn't really a complex way of relating to people. Or maybe I just don't have the ability to relate to people on an adult level.

Or, hell, maybe I just suck so much at being me--whatever that is--that people can only handle dealing with me with those particular parameters in place. Like, they pity me and give me attention because I appear to be so starved for it. Or something.

God, this made so much more sense the first time I wrote it out. Now, I feel like I have all this random, disjointed thoughts out there that aren't strung together well enough to make them logically follow one another.

I'll do better tomorrow.

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