Tuesday, August 24, 2010

That's What I Get For Thinking

I've been gone a lot longer than I should've been, but a lot of things have happened.  A LOT.  So I apologize for my absence and apologize for what is likely to be a very anti-climactic post.

After a lot of thinking and talking with several friends of mine (one in particular helped a lot), I've come to the conclusion that I don't have it in me to be a slave.  Yes, I know that being a slave is what this whole blog is about, and I'm sorry if I disappointed, but it is what it is.

I am submissive, the personality trait.  Not always, but a large enough percentage of the time to say that, yes, I am fairly passive and flexible and willing to accommodate.  On the other hand, I've had that submissive nature of mine kicked around, stomped on, hacked into pieces, set on fire, and the ashes pissed on so many times in the last 26 years that I'm simply not at a place in my life where I can peacefully accept "slave" as the way I want to live.

I've been exploited and fucked over more times than I can count, and it's because I don't have the ability to set boundaries.  Do you think I WANT to be this way or that I somehow ENJOY people using me and then callously shoving me aside?  Not hardly.  I've just felt my whole life like I'm not good enough, and I've had that reinforced by my mother, my unfortunate choice of friends and relationship partners, and so on.  I guess a large part of me feels that I HAVE to bend over backwards to accommodate everyone in order to be liked or valued or whatever.

But, newsflash:  Nobody likes or values the spineless person, the doormat, the one with no self-respect.  If she doesn't respect herself, why should anyone else respect her?

And so because of that, I've built up a whole lot of resentment.  I mean, a WHOLE lot.  And right now, I'm not able to give that of myself because it makes me feel worthless...inferior...used (and not in a good way)...disposable.

I will remain submissive in certain ways because that's just who I am.  That's not going to change.  But I'm not able to let myself be used at the detriment of my own sanity anymore.  Maybe someday when I don't have huge, gaping emotional wounds, but right now, no.  I need the freedom to get what I need out of this relationship more than I need to be told what to do.

Which brings me to my second point.

I feel really lost right now.  I tried and tried and tried to force myself into that "slave" role, even though I knew I wasn't really capable of doing it, because I wanted to have a place, a special place, in B.'s life.  Now that place is gone.  I'm not the slave, the special slave, anymore and certainly not the wife or anything else for that matter.  I'm just some fat girl he keeps around for reasons known only to him.

It sounds stupid, I know.  But my brain is such that it won't rest until I can accurately label things.  I'm very verbally-oriented, I suppose.  If I don't have a name for things, I don't know how to relate to them.

And so now I'm just sort of floating, trying to figure it all out, and failing miserably.  I don't know how to handle these things, and I would imagine I'm just going to screw up more than I fix.  That's usually what I manage to do.  *Rolls eyes*

Part of me thinks it'd just be a lot easier to go back to being told what to do.  But I reckon I've already betrayed myself for long enough, haven't I?