Wednesday, December 2, 2009


B. asked me to make this post last week, but I haven't been feeling very eloquent. Actually, I still don't feel very eloquent, but I'll see what I can come up with, anyway.

I got a new everyday collar for my birthday. Yay! That makes me happy because I couldn't wear my old one much, since the rivets on it aggravated my nickel allergy and made my neck itch like whoa. So now I have a new collar that won't make me itch. :) Fabulous!

And that was supposed to be a neat little segueway into what being collared means to me, but my English major brain is failing me tonight....

So now I'm going to talk about what being collared means to me. (Heh.)

It means they want to keep me. It means in spite of the fact that I'm whiny, annoying, self-centered, self-absorbed, egotistical, narcissistic, cynical, bitter, spiteful, pseudo-intellectual, moody, prone to fits of brooding, unnecessarily cruel at times, lazy, unmotivated, unambitious, completely batshit fucking crazy and probably two steps from the nut house at any given moment (I could keep going all night with these), they still want to keep me.

God knows what form of insanity they've been afflicted with, but I hope they never find a cure.

It means I'm theirs to do what they want with. They're smart enough to know that owning me isn't exactly like owning a really stupid animal that you have to lord over all the time. I always use horse comparisons, so I figure why not here, too? From a plain old trail horse that does nothing but mindlessly ride people around on a dude ranch all day, I'd expect total and immediate obedience, no questions asked. I'm willing to tolerate a few quirks out of a good show horse, though, because to take those away from him/her may mean taking away his/her fire and will to perform brilliantly every time, and it's just not worth crushing World Grand Champion material just because the horse doesn't like to stand still in the three seconds it takes me to get on. (See, there's the massive ego again.) The fantastic ones are worth the minor bullshit you have to put up with to keep them functioning at their very best, and I hope that's how they feel about the whiny, annoying, self-centered, etc. me.

However, in the end, they're still the ones holding the leash, regardless of how loose or tight it may be at any given time. The collar itself is a comfort to me, in that I know no matter where I am or what I'm doing, they're the ones who have complete control over me. I'll do whatever they want, and it's a tangible reminder for me. When I'm able to wear an everyday collar, well, EVERY DAY, I miss the sense of comfort and security I get when I have to take it off to go out in public or around people who wouldn't get it.

It means I'm theirs. It means they aren't going to let me go just because I open my mouth and say something stupid or do something stupid. It means they plan to keep me forever and ever, despite the best efforts of some dumbasses.

It means I'm their property, that I'm only allowed to make the decisions they let me make. If I were to lose my mind one day and try to leave, it means they'd come after me. It means that they'll handle things I'm too stupid/incompetent/incapable of doing myself.

It means I have a permanent place in their lives. It sounds stupid, but for someone who's always had almost all human interactions be on extremely tenuous ground her whole life, the knowledge that I always have somewhere to go, someone(s) waiting for me, a stable and safe and secure spot JUST FOR ME at their feet is very comforting. I dunno how to explain it. It just is.

I'm sure there's a lot more I could say on the subject, but I feel like I'm just babbling instead of making sense, so I'm going to stop. I think it's about bedtime for me, anyhow.