Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Pouty Little Girl

I've touched on it before, but it's not something I talk about much. The truth is, I have way more problems than I'm wont to admit to. Again, I don't like to talk about it because I hate to burden people with my bullshit. But I think, given the way I feel at the moment, it may be better to explain than let the Owner people think it's their fault or whatever.

First and foremost, I'm nuts, and it's really nobody's fault except mine.

But there are times in my life when I feel a dark cloud settling overhead. It doesn't happen often, really. A couple of times a year, maybe. I can usually keep it away the rest of the time. I keep doing things to take my mind off of it, and I try never to dwell on it. Even that sometimes doesn't keep it away, though.

I feel the dark cloud settling overhead. And while I'm aware of its existence, I can no more stop it than I can stop the sun from coming up tomorrow.

I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what causes it. I just wish it didn't happen. Even though I force myself to keep doing whatever I have to do, I really don't feel like doing anything other than curling up in bed and never getting out again.

I'm drained physically and mentally. I'm tired of people needing me all the time. I swear to God, I'm surrounded by the biggest bunch of life force vampires on the face of the planet.

I just don't want my Master and Mistress to think it has anything to do with them. It doesn't. In fact, I have no idea what causes it. I don't want them to think that my bad mood and my general ickiness is their fault.

Mostly, I just want to hide somewhere and cry. It doesn't mean I don't still love them, though.

I'm just being a strange little girl again.

The only thing I hope is that if I get in a really black mood, they won't let me push them away. Sometimes, I do that because I think they'd be better off without me. I'll try not to do it, but I pray that even if I do, they won't allow me to get away with it.

I'm only seven, and I don't always know what's best for me. :( But I really do love my Master and Mistress lots. I hope they'll be half as glad to see me on Thursday as I will be to see them.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Non-Invoking Of Plan Z

So it's been a year now since I became my Owner people's little girl. (Actually, I think it's been a little more than a year because I can never keep up with stuff like that, and I'm too lazy to go back and try to figure it out, especially since it's not relevant here, anyway.)

A year (or so) ago, I expected this to be, hands down, the hardest thing I'd ever done. I promised myself that I would stick it out for a year, come hell or high water, and then I'd re-evaluate and decide what to do next. Ultimately, I figured that when everything went to shit, L. and I would invoke Plan Z, our nuclear option for when there's nothing else here for us which involves us getting rid of almost everything we own and taking what's left to one of the small white trash towns in the Florida panhandle that's far enough away from the beach that we could afford to live there.

Yes, I'm ashamed to admit that I went into this expecting to fail. And fail miserably.

I doubt I was the only one, though.

But I knew I had to try, to give it my best shot. That way, when the inevitable running away on my part happened, I wouldn't have anything to regret.

Along the way, I've more than once found myself looking at rental places and jobs in Florida while I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Strangely, it hasn't, though.

Looking back, it feels as if it's been much longer than a single year. More like fifty. I don't mean that in a bad way, though. It's just that a whole lot has changed over a fairly short period of time.

Throughout most of this time, I've kept one foot outside the door. It's a failing of mine; I always make sure to have another option open. But some time ago--three-ish months or so ago--I realized that I wanted this to work. Not in the perfunctory "oh, I need to do what I can, so that when it all goes to hell in a handbasket, I can say I did what I could and then walk away" way. But in the "I can't live without my Owner people" way.

So I waited my year like I said I was going to do. And I re-evaluated. And I'm not invoking Plan Z.

I do still want to leave *this* town, though. But instead of leaving to go farther away from my Owner people, I want to go closer to them. There are a number of factors that are interfering with this at the moment, and I want to talk to them about the whole thing pretty soon. (After My Cousin's Big Fat Redneck Wedding fiasco is over, that is. Maybe next week/weekend when I go over to visit.) It's just a little too complicated to type out in a blog. Plus, I'm kind of tired right now and would like to go to bed in a few minutes.

Anyway, I guess what I wanted to say is this: Somehow, I changed. Somehow, the little girl who was so terrified of committing to anything that she didn't even like signing year-long leases for apartments has transformed. (Well, in a sense, anyway. I still get bored way too easily and will probably never be able to "settle down" in the commonly accepted manner, but I've mellowed a lot, at least for me.)

I'm not just here for the party and ready to bail when it's too much to deal with. For the first time in my life, I guess I've actually made a commitment to something. It's a weird feeling.

So, in the end, I guess I was *kinda* right. I've made it through my year, and I've re-evaluated, and I've decided to run. Only I'm planning on running toward them instead of away from them. ;)

Also, Florida's not entirely out of the question for eternity. I'd be ok with dragging them down there with me, should I ever manage to run into the money for a cottage on the beach. :)

The Little Pet Girl Who Loves Her Owners More Than Any Other Little Pet Girl In The World