Thursday, April 9, 2009

Today Has Been A Waste Of A Perfectly Good Thursday

I had so, so, soooo much stuff I needed to get done today. Know how much I've ACTUALLY accomplished? Umm...nothing.

Ok, that's not entirely true. I have chili cooking and jalapeno cheese cornbread in the oven. Oh, and I've successfully frittered away an entire day reading random crap online.

I might have a problem with prioritizing.

I don't know. It's like I get so overwhelmed knowing I have so much to do that I can't see the forest for the trees. I don't know where to start and end up not starting at all. I even make lists for myself and waste so much time debating with myself and my indecision about what I should do first that I never seem to quite make it off my ass to do anything.

My mother calls me lazy. While I'll be the first to say that I have a lazy streak at least a country mile wide, I don't think all my difficulties with action are quite the moral failings that she likes to make them out to be.

Meh. Who knows? Maybe I am lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, and lacking in focus. It's so hard to tell sometimes.

I get really frustrated at myself sometimes and feel like I'm not good at, well, anything. Then, I start comparing myself to people I know, and that never ends well for me.

Let's take J., for instance. Compared to her, I often feel woefully inadequate. I won't even attempt to list all the phenomenal things about her here because I don't think any of us have that much time. Then, I look at myself and say, "Ok, so you can write two-bit Southern Gothic, ride horses, letter beautifully with fountain pens, give blowjobs, and talk dirty to perverts on the phone. What good is any of this ever going to do you?"

I love my Mistress for all that she is, but I'd be lying through my teeth if I said sometimes being around her didn't make me feel like a complete and utter failure as a woman.

I mean, damn. I have tons of failings. Some days, I have to give myself pep talks to even get out of the house. I have a hard time calling and making my own doctor's appointments, for God's sake. I'm lazy and don't give a red rat's ass about appearances, at least not in the way that most people do. I am completely clueless when it comes to 99% of "feminine" things.

I feel incapable, indecisive, and just generally useless a lot of the time. When the answer to the question "What are you good at?" is "Nothing," then you have a problem.

I often wonder why Master and Mistress even want me. I'm moody and not good for much and way more difficult than I'm actually worth. Even the submissive part of me is more of a hindrance than anything, most of the time.

My hope is that they never come to their senses and realize they can do their own laundry....

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