Wednesday, April 1, 2009

More Thoughts

I'm cheating a little today. But the Internet wasn't working for me for awhile today, so I'm copying and pasting something I posted on one of my message boards earlier. I think it fits here because it's certainly something that's on my mind. I'm just a little afraid I'm going to offend, and I don't mean to at all.

Every now and then, reality hits hard, and it's painful. At Master and Mistress's house, I'm in sort of an alternate reality. But the real world occasionally intrudes in an obnoxious manner.

L. and I went to a friend's wedding on Saturday. It was really weird because I'm only 25 myself, but the bride is 3 years younger than me, and the groom is 6 years younger.

At the reception, L. and I hung out with several of the other single people there. They were a bunch of people that we went to high school with. But, this is the country, and I felt really awkward, as I was the oldest unmarried person in the group. (And my mother's been making "old maid" comments lately. Great, thanks, Mother. I'm flipping out about wrinkles around my eyes, and you're carrying on about that. Definitely not helping.)

I felt obligated to examine my issues because I never really seriously entertained the idea of getting married.

Sure, I think every woman has some idea in her head about what her wedding would be like if she ever did get married. I know I did. But I'm one of those people who loves big birthday and holiday celebrations with lots of friends and desserts and presents and pretty decorations, so I think it's always been more about the ceremony than the actual marriage for me. Sorority formals and semi-formals, open houses, and all the holidays make me happy. Maybe it's a country thing. I don't know.

I mean, I always adored sorority initiation time. Everyone else thought it was boring. But I was always like, "OMG, we're all dressed up, and the room is decorated so pretty, and we're sharing all these secrets of sisterhood with one another; I'm going to cry now!" My own initiation stands in my mind as one of the greatest moments of my life, even if I did have the upper respiratory infection from hell that day and was all fucked up on cough medicine for the thing. If it were possible to have the wedding without the marriage, I'd be all over it.

But I looked closely at myself to see what it is that was bothering me because I knew it wasn't really the "oh, no, now practically everyone's married but me" thing that it appeared to be on the surface.

Nope, it's just a slave's reality hitting me again.

I will never be like some slaves and be married to my Master. (Overlook the fact for a moment that that's not my thing, anyhow, and let's just go with this, ok?) I don't want kids (and most likely can't have them, anyway), so that's not an issue. Master and Mistress are the happy couple to society, and, outside of maybe a handful of instances, I will always be the awkward single friend.

It's not even that I want to go around telling everyone in the world what I'm doing because I don't. I'm a private person, and my business is mine, not everyone else's. The most important people in my life know, and that's enough.

But I'd be lying if I said that always being the outsider didn't bother me in some ways. Master and Mistress certainly don't make me feel like an interloper, but under most circumstances that occur outside their home, that's what I will be in the eyes of others. I'm very much a wallflower, a blend-into-the-scenery kind of person, so sticking out like a sore thumb does bother me.

It's not even that I want what Master and Mistress have together. I quite like what I have, thank you. If they tried to go around collecting subbies, I might be annoyed, but this is a wonderful situation for me. It's just that I'm not looking at this as some short-term thing for me. And looking at the long-term means realizing that in the eyes of a lot of people, I'll always be abnormal. Because, let's face it, for all the lip service we give choice feminism, a single woman past a certain age who's never been married, never had kids, and never seen out with anyone but her married friends is viewed as one of two things: an unfortunate soul to be pitied or a weirdo lesbian.

(This is also why I want to do horrible, non-consensual things to submissive women who claim feminism is "holding them back" from being what they want to be or whatever. Shut the fuck up, bitch. If the movement had accomplished what it initially set out to accomplish, no one would give a fuck what choices any of us made, but it hasn't yet, and blaming it for your problems damn sure isn't helping matters any. But that's a tangent I won't go off on right now.)

I'm hesitant to even say anything to Mistress or Master about it because it sounds so whiny and potentially offensive. Besides, these are my own issues to work out, not theirs. And I don't mean it in a bad way because I would not trade my life as their slave for anything. It's just that I don't particularly look forward to hearing my mother lecture me about finding a nice man, etc., etc. for the rest of my life. And I say "for the rest of my life" instead of "for the rest of hers" because I know she'll outlive me just to spite me.

Mistress said something once about a "formal" collaring ceremony (and by "formal," I mean in the dispensing of formalities way, not in the white tie way) for me, and I was embarrassed at the thought of having all that attention on me. I'm unbelievably low-maintenance, and, besides, I'm just a slave. I don't need anything special for me. I certainly don't need anything like that to remind me who and what I am and who I belong to.

But on the other hand, maybe I would like it. Nothing outlandish, of course. Just them and me. Or maybe a couple of my really kinky friends who would understand the significance. Just something special for me.

Then, when I get the "why aren't you married yet?" spiel, I can just grin secretly and think how they have no idea. I do have someone special. Two someones, to be exact. I do have my own family, even if it's not exactly conventional.

I don't expect people who aren't into this way of life to understand. And I fully expect Christmases alone with my kinfolks for the rest of my life. But there is absolutely nothing in the world that makes me happier than my owners, even if reality is painful sometimes.

But that's the way of a slave's life, isn't it?

* * * *

Also, in happier news, I love my presents J. and B. brought me back from the beach! I slept with my stuffed froggie last night and will probably continue to do so. And as soon as I find my collar (*grumbles at how absent-minded I am*), I am totally putting the "Mattress's Laundry Bitch" tag on it! :D

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