Saturday, April 18, 2009

I Feel Better...And A Request For Help

I've been slacking on blogging again. Actually, I've been slacking on everything. But that will be the second part of this blog.

As for the first part...I feel considerably better than I did the last time I blogged. I'm one of those people who is fairly easily overwhelmed by her emotions, but slow to trust. It makes for weird times, I think.

I spent some time with B. and J. this past week. Just a couple of days, but it still made me feel better. It wasn't even anything they did in particular that helped. Just things I noticed, things they probably weren't even doing to "make" me feel better. (I'm way more perceptive than I allow myself to appear to the folks around me.)

Because of these things, I feel less like slave-like playtoy and more like occasionally submissive girlfriend or some shit like that. (Don't get me wrong. Objectification is way fun on occasion. The other night was probably one of the hottest scenes I've ever been a part of. *Blush* B.'s cock down my throat, and J.'s hand in my cunt...uh, yeah, there's something to be said for being used like that. *Grin*)

Anyway, so, yeah. I do feel better.

Because I feel better, and because they both keep telling me to come to them when I have problems, I feel emboldened enough to come to part two of this blog.

I do have a problem. And it doesn't have anything to do with them. But if they wanna help me...I'd appreciate it. (No, the problem isn't my sudden overuse of ellipses, though I can imagine why someone would think so.)

I know I've mentioned before that I. Have. A. Problem. With. Getting. Shit. Done.

But I've possibly neglected to mention how bad it is. It is honestly a tribute to my boss's tolerance that she hasn't already fired me on several different occasions. Either that, or the fact that I rarely bother her with bullshit makes up for the fact that I have a hard time doing ANYTHING productive.

I'm not sure why, but I am so easily distracted. I suck at prioritizing. I can't multi-task to save my life. I have an overwhelming amount of stuff to do, but I still manage to lose large chunks of time just fucking around (case in point, posting this blog) because I simply don't know where to start. Then, I have no idea where the time's gone, and I still haven't accomplished anything.

My brain stays foggy; I can't focus on anything for any length of time, and I am the queen of the scatter-brained. I can't remember SHIT, and, dear God, I lose things left and right. Any distraction, however small, turns into something that interrupts my train of thought so severely that it takes forever to get back on track. I can't make decisions about what to do, where to go, what needs taking care of first, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat, every day of my life. I've always been this way, but it appears to be getting worse as I get older instead of better as I'd hoped.

I've been trying to combat it by making lists, so I don't forget things. But then I can't decide where to start on my List O' Shit To Do, and I don't do anything. Or else I spend all day trying to get one thing done. It's ridiculous, and I hate myself for my laziness and lack of self-discipline.

Part of it is, no doubt, that I'm stuck in a rut at work. I actually do like my job. The good part about being an independent contractor is that you can decide what to do and when to do it. The bad part about being an independent contractor is, well, that you can decide what to do and when to do it. The sheer amount of work I have to do just to make the bare minimum I need to pay bills is astounding. It's even MORE astounding when I fuck around and don't do it for awhile. Then, I have so much to do that I look at my daunting pile of tasks and go, "No. Hell no. I'm not even going to bother."

Like, even being at B. and J.'s makes it hard for me to work. It's partly because they're inherently distracting by being so cute. ;) It's also partly because any little deviation from my normal routine pretty much ruins any hope of my accomplishing anything. This is not their fault, by the way. It's my own personal character flaw.

See, the bad part about it is, I have a degree in psychology. I know what I need to do to fix this. Unfortunately, I also know how to outsmart my own tricks. (Kinda like my friend L. taking my credit cards away so I wouldn't use them. It didn't really matter because I'd memorized the card numbers and expiration dates and security codes on the back, so I could still buy shit online to my heart's content, even if I didn't have them physically in my hands to go out and shop.)

It's really embarrassing to admit. I'm 25 years old, and this is kid's shit. I'm ashamed of letting it get this bad, honestly. But I know I'm not making it any better by trying to hide how perfectly bad I am at doing things. I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't at least somewhat burnt out on the whole work deal, anyhow.

So in the interest of me NOT getting fired and of me actually making enough money to pay bills, I am going to attempt to solicit help from the distractingly adorable couple I belong to. I figure doing ANYTHING at this point is better than doing nothing. This is not me going, "Please beat me when I screw up." That's none of our styles and, as I learned a long time ago from living with my mother, completely counterproductive to getting me to do anything because my "fuck this shit and fuck you" response kicks in.

This is me going, "Please help me learn how to cope with shit in a more efficient manner."

Yes, I should probably be medicated. However, with the whole lack of health insurance problem, I'm going to need money for a doctor's visit and money for the actual meds (which I do not have right now). So if they feel like taking on this particular problem as a temporary stop-gap measure to keep me from fucking my life up further, I'd well and truly appreciate it.

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