Monday, April 20, 2009


Ok, everything is sucking again.

I hate this. I hate it so much. The drawback to being the--well, I hesitate to use "painslut" because I'm not entirely sure it's accurate, at least not in the context of this sentence--whatever that I am is however good I feel immediately after all the fun play is over is inversely proportional to how perfectly fucking shitty I feel a couple of days later.

In my previous post, I mentioned the way hot time we had Thursday night. (The reason I hesitated to use the word "painslut" in the preceding paragraph is that that scene was not particularly painful in any way, just kind of intense.) So, unfortunately, I'm really, really miserable at the moment.

I also hate to bother B. and J. with my whining.

I've been stuck here alone all weekend. I haven't gotten a thing done. I literally do not feel like getting out of bed.

God, I hate this. It sounds so pathetic and so self-pitying.

I just don't like being alone when I feel this way, but L.'s not in town, and all my attempts at trying to get together with any of my other friends have been rebuffed. Not that I actually told them what the problem was, mind you. It's a little embarrassing to say, "Please hang out with me because I don't want to be alone because I feel like shit."

Then, there's talking to my friend K. who hates everyone and everything, especially men and relationships. I'm trying to be supportive, but she is doing an incredible job of projecting all her problems and insecurities on to me and keeps warning me that nothing is ever as it seems, blah, blah, blah. I appreciate her concern, of course, but I think it's more irrational bitterness on her part than anything. Though it does nothing to help keep my old demons at bay.

I need them, and I detest my neediness. I try not to bug them because I just know one day they're going to get sick of me clinging and scream, "Go AWAY already!"

I do not know why I'm suffering so much with it right now.

I just...I need snuggles. Not from one of them, from both of them. I want to lie between them while they look down and smile at me and hold me close. I want to feel the overwhelming sense of RIGHTNESS when B. calls me "pet." ('Cause, let's face it, as cute as the moniker is, I'm about the farthest thing from an actual slave-girl that you can imagine, what, with my neediness and my demanding-ness [technical term] and my blatant attention whoring.) I want to feel the stupid grin creep over my face when J. says, "Good girl," to me in the exact same tone she uses with the dogs. I want to kiss them both. I want to feel the sense of happy security I get when I'm in their arms or, by extension, their bonds.

And now I'm teary-eyed. Jesus Christ, what have you people done to me?

I know I'm going back Tuesday. But Tuesday seems forever away right now, for some reason. I hate to be That Girl, but it's like nothing seems quite right when I'm not with the only man I've ever called and will ever call Master and the only woman I've ever called and will ever call Mistress. Or Mattress, depending on what kind of mood we're in.

Screw this, I'm going to lie down and read cheesy romance novels until I fall asleep. Maybe it'll make the time pass faster, if nothing else.

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