It's nearly 3 am, and I'm finally managing to blog. It's been a mildly productive day, in that my living room is now much cleaner than it was this morning, and I got all my dummy blogs for phone sex consolidated into one keyword-heavy blog for each character. The maintenance man is supposed to be coming in the morning to fix my leaky kitchen sink and unclog the garbage disposal, so I'm heading to bed once I finish this blog.
I'm going to attempt to respond to Mattress's blog from yesterday and hope that it makes sense.
Despite what she may think about me, I'm not a person with no opinions. I've just been around people who go around spouting their opinions constantly, regardless of if they're right or wrong, that I've learned that it's often better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I've watched those same people who always have diarrhea of the mouth being slowly driven crazy (not that it was a long drive to start with) by the fact that they have to freaking argue about everything. In order to keep my sanity, I learned to pick my battles.
I don't have strong opinions about things that don't really matter to me. For example, I love most food, so unless I really happen to be in the mood for something in particular, if I say, "It doesn't matter," when someone asks me what I want for dinner, then it REALLY doesn't matter to me. Same goes for sex. I have yet to find one sexual thing I don't enjoy on at least some level, so unless I have a hardcore craving for something, I'm just happy to be having sex, period. I'm not choosy in those respects.
If it's not a matter of great personal importance to my heart, chances are, I really just don't give a shit. And that's not such a bad thing, or at least I don't think so.
And the whole communication thing...well, I'm really not that bad. See, my problem is, I'm a very, very, very perceptive person. It comes from years of people-watching instead of interacting with them, I guess. I know what the people around me are thinking and feeling without ever even talking to them about it. I just...intuitively pick up on it. I've been known to freak people out on occasion with my uncanny ability to sense things.
I've got a couple of examples. Several months ago, my friend L. and my now-ex were staying at my apartment one night. Ex was downstairs doing something (God knows what), and L. was upstairs with me in my bedroom. I was really tired that night for some reason, so I went to bed super-early, like 11:30. I dozed in bed, and L. was lying in the floor, playing around on my laptop.
I drifted off to sleep and had a weird dream about someone breaking into my apartment and trying to steal my jewelry. (I don't wear jewelry much, but I inherited a bit of jewelry snobbery from my mother. I have lots of cheap costume stuff, but I've also got several really nice pieces as well.) When I woke up from the dream around 2 am, L. was still awake in my bedroom floor. I looked over at her and said, "You know, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed someone broke in here and was trying to steal my jewelry." She agreed that it was a weird dream, and I went back to sleep within a few minutes.
Several hours later, in the wee hours of the morning, my ex came upstairs to my bedroom. L. had fallen asleep in the floor, and I was in my bed. He woke me up and said, "Someone just broke in your house."
I actually thought I was dreaming again, but according to him, someone did break in. He saw the person in my living room when he went downstairs to get a drink. Do I believe it? I'm not entirely sure. Either I dreamed about something before it happened, or I dreamed about something that he was about to lie to me about, one or the other. In either case, it's kind of freaky.
In a less esoteric example, the day B. lost his job, I was sitting in a local restaurant with L. She and I were talking about something, and I felt this weird wave of dread sweep over me. The hair on the back of my neck literally stood up. I looked at her and said, "Something is about to happen. I don't know what it is, but something bad is about to happen to B."
When I got home, he was online. He told me what had happened, and I was honestly so shocked that I didn't even have anything kind to say. That time, even I was weirded out by how quickly my cryptic prediction had been validated.
That's not to say I have creepy psychic powers or anything. I don't believe in that shit. I just think I'm very sensitive to changes, very empathic, and very intuitive. I know what's going to happen before it happens. Hardly anyone EVER surprises me.
The flip side of that is that I normally surround myself with similar people. I'm a highly sensitive person surrounded by highly sensitive people. I know what they're thinking; they know what I'm thinking. To talk about it is to beat a dead horse, and I have NO patience whatsoever for that kind of thing.
I didn't tell any of my friends what was going on with B., J., and me to start with. (Well, except L. and K. because I knew they'd understand.) I wanted to wait until I was sure it wasn't all going to go to hell in a handbasket before I opened my mouth. When I did tell them, though, none of them were really surprised. The words "Why am I not surprised?" came out of more than a couple of their mouths.
I'm not saying we operate on some ethereal plane that's above the average person or anything. I just think that we're all blessed with super-intuition.
So it's a struggle for me to remember that J. can't just look at me and know everything that's going through my mind. She can't tell that when I say, "I don't care what we have for dinner," I really DON'T CARE what we have for dinner. She can't tell that I don't care what we watch on TV, but I do get pretty upset when people at home throw away the bags of Triple Crown horse feed at the barn without clipping the proof of purchases off the bottoms to send to my favorite charity, Sunkissed Acres Equine Retirement and Rescue, so that they can get a discount on the next shipment of feed they buy for their horses.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm tired. Maybe I'll elaborate more tomorrow if this doesn't make any sense.