Sunday, April 26, 2009

I've Been A Lazy Blogger Again

Yep, I've been lazy, which means I have several things to catch up on right now.

Ok, first of all, I had a minor meltdown at J. and B.'s house last week. I didn't know why then, but I know now. (Or at least I think I know.)

One thing you should probably know about me is that I am a huge baby when I'm sick. I'm not sure why it makes me feel so icky and hopeless (and helpless), but it does. Maybe it's got something to do with my screwy immune system. Who knows?

So what does that have to do with the price of eggs in China, you might ask?

Well, I've been having problems with my allergies the past couple of weeks. You know, just general ickiness--itchy throat, sneezing, coughing, stuffy nose, and ears full of fluid. Just the "ew" stuff. But that's not the problem in and of itself.

Last summer, I had a whole bunch of shit going on: tons of classes, working three jobs, the ever-present needy friends. I got so run down that I got sick. It wasn't, like, the flu or anything. But I went for weeks being dizzy and lightheaded, on the verge of passing out, for what seemed to me to be no apparent reason. I felt so bad and couldn't figure out why. I didn't even want to get out of bed; all I wanted to do was lie around and cry.

Now, you're probably thinking it was some horrible sickness, but no. I finally scrounged up some extra money and went to the doctor. I had a freaking EAR INFECTION. Yeah, I know, not too dramatic, huh? But, in my defense, it was a really BAD ear infection. I was kind of astounded because all the ear infections I remember from childhood (and I had one every other week, it seemed) were painful as hell. But the one I had last summer didn't hurt at all. The doctor told me that, apparently, sometimes, ear infections can get really bad without hurting at all. And if they don't make you feel horrible and dizzy, that the first indication for some folks that anything is wrong is when their eardrums burst from the pressure.

Ew. What a mental image.

But after I got home on Friday, I was plagued with these bouts of dizziness. Over and over, bad enough that I had to sit down a few times to keep from falling over. Then, when I got to thinking about it, I realized that I'd gotten them a few times at B. and J.'s. Like the night B. got me all tied up, and I started seeing black spots and was dangerously close to passing out. He had to untie me before I hit the floor.

So then it dawned on me. I felt as horrible last week as felt last year when I got the ear infection, dizzy and weepy. (I get irrational when I'm sick.) And since I'd had so much head congestion in the previous weeks, it probably set up the perfect environment to spawn another nasty ear infection. So I broke out the bottle of amoxicillin I always keep on hand for my recurring UTIs and set about dosing myself up. (Oddly enough, I'm allergic to ACTUAL penicillin, but not amoxicillin. I am a strange creature.)

I figure even if it ISN'T an ear infection, maybe the placebo effect will make me feel better, if nothing else. I started taking them yesterday afternoon, and I feel tons better already. So yay for cheap antibiotics! It makes me feel better to know it's probably a physical problem and not me finally going off the deep end.

The next thing is something I'm not going to get into much here because B. and J. (who are the people I write this blog for, after all) already know what happened, and it's an ASSLOAD of stuff to write. But some crazy shit went down last night and made me realize I'm absolutely sick of the way I let people walk all over me.

I was raised that you should always put other people before yourself, that you should always do all you can to help other folks out if there's any way possible. Nobody in my family knows how to tell anyone "no." And, yes, some of them have developed some extreme martyr complexes because of it.

But I've realized that my desire to help people and to do always do what I think in my mind is the "right" thing has led to me being taken advantage of so much by people who prey on that kind of thing, people who have no sense of boundaries, people who feel they are somehow entitled to things, people who love to manipulate my better nature.

I'm thoroughly sick of it. It comes to a screeching halt TODAY.

Also, I'm not going to be ashamed of me and who I am anymore. Yes, it sucks that I only need 9 hours worth of classes (3 classes) to have my master's, and I'm a phone sex operator. But you know what? It beats the shit out of what most people where I'm from have ever done.

I graduated in a class of 50...and that's in a public school. Of those 50, I think maybe 5 of us actually completed college. You know how many of those 5 went on to graduate school? Yep, just me.

Yes, my job is not a resume builder. Yes, I'm constantly broke. Yes, I have a Mensa IQ. But you know what? I DON'T still live at home with my parents. I DON'T have to depend on some lame-ass man to take care of me. I DON'T really have nice things, but, by God, everything I've got (with the exception of that big-ass truck I'm driving), I got my damn self. I DON'T have to stay in some shitty marriage to some guy I don't give a rat's ass about because I'm either too lazy or too stupid to work and support myself.

That's a hell of a lot more than I can say about any of the assholes who want to talk shit about me.

My mother, while she has her flaws, taught me not to depend on anybody to take care of me. I depend on me, and that's all I need. My daddy taught me not to wait on some man to rescue me because he knew his daughter was smarter and more resourceful than 99% of the men in this world. If the Apocalypse started tomorrow, I'd be better equipped to take care of myself than people like the bitches (and that term includes the males) who started all the bullshit drama last night.

Also, I'm asking L., who has a degree in accounting and is working on another one in economics, to help me figure out how to get my ass out of debt. (I figure who better to ask about that than my own personal accountant? LOL.) I sort of inherited my mama's propensity to spend money like it's going out of style and my daddy's laissez faire attitude toward budgeting. Yeah, the worst of both worlds there. My whole "I'ma work and try to make enough money to pay the bills and use the prayer method if all else fails" idea has not been working out so well for me. I mean, they're not about to cart me off to debtor's prison or anything, but I'd like to be able to get out of debt sometimes in the next five years.

I have all these fabulous ideas about various business ventures I would love to get into, but that requires money. And in order to have money, you can't have tons of debt. So, yeah. I'm hoping I can defer my student loans long enough that I can pay off my credit card debt, or at least get it down to a manageable level, then start on the student loans. Then, maybe, I'll be able to be a writer/tack store owner/horse farm owner/owner of horse rescue facility and have nice things. Maybe.

Ok, and for the last part of the blog, something I've been wanting to say for awhile and haven't figured out how to put into words without sounding sappy. But I figure with all the drama lately, something sappy might be ok for now. :)

I once had a plan for my life. No, really, I did. I've always pushed myself SO hard to get what it was I thought I wanted. It's only been recently that I started floundering and questioning myself. If I'm honest, I know now that what I thought I wanted would never have really made me happy.

One of my personal mantras is "If you're headed in one direction, and it seems that no matter what you do, there's always another obstacle in your path, then that's the Good Lord trying to tell you, 'You're going the wrong way, dumbass!'" Unfortunately, it took me forever to listen to my own advice.

I was headed the wrong way for a long time, and it's took me quite some time to get pointed back in the right direction. And I've apparently gotten lost several times in my attempted shortcut through the woods back to the right path.

One of the biggest things for me to overcome was my fear of ever not being in perfect control of everything around me 100% of the time. I know it sounds crazy, given my current situation, but it's the truth. I literally feared B. for YEARS, not because I thought he might harm me or anything like that, but because he triggered some instinctual reaction inside me that scared the living fuck out of me.

He did NOT fit into my life plan. So I spent time alternately trying to push him away and pull him back in because, while he didn't fit into my plan, I also couldn't stand the way I felt without him, either. I don't know how to explain it. I get these feelings sometimes (which are never wrong). And I knew I was supposed to follow him for the rest of my life, but I could never figure out how to make it work, with what I thought I wanted for myself. Also, it's scary to realize that you've met the love of your life at 22. That is not supposed to happen, at least not in my world.

So the Universe spent quite some time systematically destroying everything I ever believed about myself. That was the most painful process in the entire world, and I hope I never go through anything like that ever again. All my previous hopes and dreams were shown to me to be false, things that would never really make me happy.

In short, it was hell.

Then, after I saw the truth, I spent a good six months fighting it because I'm me, and I'm nothing if not stubborn and dogged in the face of adversity. Then, I accepted what I'd known all along....

I am supposed to follow this man for the rest of my life. And, luckily enough, following his silly ass led me right to J. I must've done something really phenomenal in my previous lives to deserve this. ;) I mean, I've literally jumped up two levels on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid in two months. That's the most rare thing ever. (Ignore how geeky that reference was, please.)

I love my Master and Mistress.

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