Thursday, April 30, 2009


I've been blogging all this will most likely be short and sweet. Possibly disgustingly so. I feel sappy again, so this post might induce diabetic coma. You have been warned.

It's silly, but I think about how much I love J. and B. a lot. Because I am a dork, mostly. But I was thinking about it earlier today, actually.

I'm a weird soul. I don't think I think about things like normal people do, LOL. Or maybe I just think things to death or something. But sometimes, sometimes, I get overwhelmed by my feelings about things.

Like, for example, I can just look up and watch B. walk across the room, him completely not even noticing that I'm watching, and feel my eyes well up with tears. Every time J. kisses me, my heart leaps to my throat, and I stop breathing.

Yes, it's crazy. Yes, I'm crazy. We've already covered this before.

I'm totally self-conscious about stupid things, I know. I have a hard time with small gestures of love and affection. I always feel like I'm either being too awkward or being too clingy, so I tend to just eschew them altogether. I'm much more comfortable with grand, swooping gestures that happen once in a blue moon.

So I often don't know how to act when I just look at my Mistress and Master sometimes and am moved to tears. Or when I just casually touch them and feel that my heart is so full of love for these people that I'm afraid it might burst.

I try not to make them uncomfortable with my weirdness. There's nothing worse than having THAT guy or girl follow you around with the "OMGZZZZ, I love you SOOOOO much!!!!!!!" bullshit. AWK. WARD. I don't want to do that to them, LOL.

But I really do love them both so much that it hurts sometimes. Believe it or not, I'm hardly ever seized by this much emotion about PEOPLE. It's usually animals or something that I feel is greater than me, like the ocean or the sky or when I'm pondering the nature of God. (I once had a friend tell me that while I have the heart of a redneck, I also have the soul of a poet. It makes for some interesting times, that's for sure.)

I can catch them looking at me sometimes and feel my heart stop for about half a second. Yes, that makes me sound like a teenager with a crush, but it's something different than that, I promise. The last time I got so overwhelmed with emotion like that was last Labor Day weekend when L. and I went to Florida, and I was lying on the beach at night, staring up at the vast blackness of the sky and listening to the waves crash on the shore.

Since I don't think I have a crush on the Gulf of Mexico, I'm thinking that the way I feel when I'm around B. and J. is a bit more complex than adolescent puppy love. ;)

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