I have a problem with trusting people.
We can psychoanalyze this all we want to, as I'm sure there are multiple causes for it, but most of them boil down to simple operant conditioning. I trust people; they fuck me over. Which, of course, makes me wary about trusting people next time.
Obviously, this kind of thing happens to everyone on the face of the planet. I'm hardly alone in this respect. I just either have extraordinarily bad luck, or I'm a terrible judge of character.
I know J. gets upset at me sometimes because she feels like I don't trust her, no matter what she does. But I just want her to know not to take it personally, that it's nothing she's done to make me be distrustful.
I must have a neon sign above my head that says, "PLEASE FUCK ME OVER!" because I attract losers and users of all sorts. It pretty much never fails that if I put my trust in someone, that person is going to think of some new and improved way to screw me.
I think it's because I go out of my way to be nice to people. I let myself be bullied and walked all over because I...well, I don't know why, actually. I guess because I'm a people-pleaser, and I want other people to be happy? I dunno. I could play the "I'm a natural submissive" card, but I think that's a cop-out. I know I'm ultimately the one responsible for the fact that I can't tell people no.
I'm pretty sure the lack of trust thing is somehow tied in with J.'s other complaint about me, that I'm too withdrawn and un-affectionate. (Which is another thing she shouldn't take personally. I've loved B. for years, for much longer than I care to admit, and you know when I finally managed to tell him to his face? Um, October. Yeah, like, 7 months ago October. Oh, and I was bound to the point of being completely immobile, AND I was totally hooded, so I didn't have to look at him while I said it. Me? A chickenshit? Never!)
So the fact that I've told J. how I feel about her (albeit while she had her fist buried inside me) this quickly should be an indication of how much I've fallen for her already. *Blush*
But, anyway, I didn't write this to complain or bitch or try to find something to blame my innumerable issues on. It was just my weird way of trying to explain myself and hopefully make J. feel better.
I'm going to try to do better. I really am.
The truth is, as goofy as it sounds, after all the drama that went on over the weekend, I actually feel BETTER about everything. Not that I'd ever recommend to anyone else that particular method of making oneself more secure in one's relationship, but, you know, whatever. They got really angry at me. I hurt them really badly over what amounted to a fundamental breakdown in communication among the three of us. I allowed myself to believe the worst when that wasn't actually the case. I did various and sundry other stupid things and made them not trust me anymore.
But you know what? Now I know they DO care about me. They aren't just tolerating me because they can't figure out how to get rid of me. If that were the case, they would've seized on the events of this weekend as an excuse to kick me to the curb.
But they didn't. A lot of things were discussed, and there were some changes in perspective. And, weirdly enough, even though their trust in me may perhaps be shaken, mine in them is much, much stronger. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, etc., etc.
They want me. I can't imagine why, but they do.
I don't deserve these two. Really, I don't.