I went shopping with my kinfolks today.
In retrospect, I know it was a really bad idea. But I felt guilty (yes, same theme, different variation) because I went to the concert Friday and didn't spend the entire weekend with my mother. Then, Mother offered to buy me something.
I'm a shopaholic. I'm not turning down an offer like that, however ill-advised it might be.
So due to the fact that nothing I liked fit because of my massive midsection and lack of any discernible waistline, I started feeling shitty.
Actually, let me go back for a moment. I was looking at some pics of myself the other day in which I'm wearing no makeup, and I started feeling shitty THEN. Today, when I couldn't find anything that fit right on me, it just got worse.
The insulin resistance from the PCOS is so bad that I probably have full-blown diabetes at this point. God knows, the sugar cravings are insane. I think I could eat sugar straight out of the goddamned canister at this point. Also, I know my blood pressure is suffering 'cause I have those headaches every day that I used to only have when I was so angry I could murder someone.
When I was a freshman in college, I wasn't exactly thin, but I hovered around the 170 mark, which, for my height and build, isn't too bad. I looked decent, too. Then, I got fat, but I could still say, "Well, I may be fat, but at least I'm not ugly, too." Because I'm nothing if not vain and egomaniacal.
But now, I can't lose weight for shit because of this stupid disease...thing. I don't have the money to get treated for it, either.
So I'm fat. My hair's falling out. I have greasy skin that, even after I shower, is gross and shiny after about 15 minutes. I still have acne, for God's sake, and I'm 25 years old. (And it's not like it's an easily-remedied skin problem. It's damned persistent, and I've figured out the best way to deal with it is to leave it alone for the most part.)
And, you know, I used to have this really pretty pinky-looking complexion that looked fantastic with all my favorite colors. But all the insulin spillage has stained my skin. I have large patches of sallow yellowish looking skin. And then in other places, like my elbows and the back of my neck, have turned dark brown or, in the case of my left elbow, black. Even my eyelids are getting that ugly yellow-brown tone. I Googled the medical name--acanthosis nigricans.
(Not that I imagine it really matters, but just in case people think I'm nutty and making this shit up.)
I look much older than I really am. And I look like the stereotypical fat woman--greasy, nasty-looking, icky skin. All I need to do is stop wearing deodorant and start mouth-breathing and the picture will be complete.
I know I'm vain, but every woman wants to at least be able to fool herself into thinking she's moderately attractive. I've always been kind of mannish, I know, and I've always been kind of ashamed of my lack of femininity. But at least I was still kind of decent-looking when I dressed up and did my hair and makeup.
Now I look like a troll. All because I have too much testosterone in my system for a chick.
I know, I'm being ridiculous. But I want to be pretty again, goddammit! Or, at least, not this giant, lumbering, disgusting man (complete with beer belly and huge upper arms 'cause that's how insulin resistant people gain weight) and tits. And don't even get me started on the fog my brain's always in from this shit.
So fuck it. I'm wallowing in self-pity. Maybe it's stupid to feel sorry for yourself because you hate the way you look, but whatever. In spite of the fact that I LOOK like a man, I'm still a woman, so I'm entitled to my vanity.