Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Pouty Little Girl

I've touched on it before, but it's not something I talk about much. The truth is, I have way more problems than I'm wont to admit to. Again, I don't like to talk about it because I hate to burden people with my bullshit. But I think, given the way I feel at the moment, it may be better to explain than let the Owner people think it's their fault or whatever.

First and foremost, I'm nuts, and it's really nobody's fault except mine.

But there are times in my life when I feel a dark cloud settling overhead. It doesn't happen often, really. A couple of times a year, maybe. I can usually keep it away the rest of the time. I keep doing things to take my mind off of it, and I try never to dwell on it. Even that sometimes doesn't keep it away, though.

I feel the dark cloud settling overhead. And while I'm aware of its existence, I can no more stop it than I can stop the sun from coming up tomorrow.

I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what causes it. I just wish it didn't happen. Even though I force myself to keep doing whatever I have to do, I really don't feel like doing anything other than curling up in bed and never getting out again.

I'm drained physically and mentally. I'm tired of people needing me all the time. I swear to God, I'm surrounded by the biggest bunch of life force vampires on the face of the planet.

I just don't want my Master and Mistress to think it has anything to do with them. It doesn't. In fact, I have no idea what causes it. I don't want them to think that my bad mood and my general ickiness is their fault.

Mostly, I just want to hide somewhere and cry. It doesn't mean I don't still love them, though.

I'm just being a strange little girl again.

The only thing I hope is that if I get in a really black mood, they won't let me push them away. Sometimes, I do that because I think they'd be better off without me. I'll try not to do it, but I pray that even if I do, they won't allow me to get away with it.

I'm only seven, and I don't always know what's best for me. :( But I really do love my Master and Mistress lots. I hope they'll be half as glad to see me on Thursday as I will be to see them.

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